Dear Mr Bock,

Dear Mr. Bock,

A few nights ago, I was lying in bed trying [in vain] to sleep when you wandered across my mind. I'm not really sure why, but there you were.
I think I just need to talk to you for a minute.

When I first heard what happened, my heart dropped into my stomach with an acidic splash. Then I told myself that one cannot trust Facebook rumors, and that I would wait until Monday and ask my mom if she heard anything at school.
When I found out that it was true, I was very angry at you. I couldn't understand why you would do it. How could you leave your loving family? A wife and young son left alone. I was angry at you for being selfish.
Then I calmed down and told myself that I didn't know what the situation was. Maybe you really were unbearably unhappy. I didn't know because I hadn't seen you in years. That's when it hit me hard - the sadness.
You made such a huge impact on my life, and you'll never know it. I sometimes wonder, "what if?" What if I had ever told you how important you were to me? Sure I was just a silly teenaged girl, but if it weren't for your class I think I still would be a silly teenaged girl today. I was going through some serious shit Sophomore and Junior year, and it really helped me out to have someone to talk to. I always thought the idea of having a diary was stupid. With the journals for your class, though, I could at least pretend I was talking to someone, even though I know you probably never read my entries [or you would probably have said something, either to me or to my parents].
I don't remember a whole lot about your actual class and assignments and things... only that I never read The Fall of the House of Usher and that I did read Beowulf. But I remember you, and I remember sitting next to Laura, forging one of my most important high school friendships. I remember writing more than I ever had before or [unfortunately] have since. I wrote my best story to date (until about a month ago) in your class. Remember the doppleganger assignment? I was really on to something with that one. I don't remember what it was, because I never finished ... but I remember being excited about it.

Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to the same music Laura and I used to secretly listen to in your class... hiding her earphones behind our hair after we finished our journals for the day.
Listening to nostalgic music and missing you. Missing your presence, really. Because I know even if you were still here, I probably still wouldn't have seen you since graduation. So it doesn't really make sense to say that I miss you.

What I really miss is you continuing to teach and make a difference in kids lives. Maybe not every kid's life. But I was only one kid, and you made a difference in my life. It matters to me. Even if there was just one kid in each class you taught that you helped out, that one kid still matters.

It really sucks that you're not here anymore, because you really did make a difference to me ... and I know I'm not the only one.

I miss you, and your presence, and your class, and your assignments, and your journals.


Remember that time we had a huge class argument about whether "periwinkle" was blue or purple? I remember. Periwinkle is blue, because it was the color of your eyes. Or maybe it's purple. But that's how I remember it, even if I remember it wrong.

Love.

Living the Gorram Dream

Here is a draft that's been saved for months!
I meant to blog all about it, because it was awesome, but I didn't have internet. So it never happened.
Here it is, half a year late:



Several years ago, I had a dream.
My dream was that one day I would grow up and move to Chicago and go to a big fancy college and learn about big fancy art in a big fancy city and live in a small fancy apartment all by myself.
Then I realized that I could do that for tens of thousands of dollars every year, OR I could go to WMU for free. So my dream changed.
After I graduated, I would grow up and move to Chicago and go to a big fancy grad school or work at a big fancy theatre in a big fancy city and live in a small fancy apartment all by myself.
Then my baby was born, and my dream changed again.
After I graduated, I would grow up and move to Chicago and go to a big fancy grad school or work at a big fancy theatre in a big fancy theatre and live in a small fancy apartment - just me and my puppy.

Well...
I haven't graduated yet. And I'm not going to a big fancy grad school (though that is still hopefully potentially in my future).
BUT
I moved to Chicago and I am working at a big fancy theatre in a big fancy city and I live in a small fancy apartment - just me and my puppy!


I am literally living the dream. Seriously. I didn't really think it was actually going to ever happen, I just wanted it to.
So this summer, I am the Scenic Carpentry Intern at Steppenwolf Theatre Company. (P.S. this is a big deal. Steppenwolf is one of the three(?) big theatres in Chicago (which just happens to be my favorite city in the U.S.)

I started in the shop on Tuesday. It has been pretty awesome so far. I've been pretty weird and quiet and nervous, but I am ridiculously excited to be here.

I also am super excited to finally have my own place (something I've been wanting for like ten years)! I tried to have a small party when I moved in, but no one could come. :( But I will try again later.
I am just so excited about my apartment that I want to share it with the world! But only for an evening here and there. Here are some pictures!

I can cook my dinner shirtless and the only one who will walk in on me is a dog and probably doesn't understand why I'm wearing any clothes at all.
I don't have to worry about cleaning up after other people's messes!
I am completely in charge of the cleanliness of my home. It feels so good.

I am really happy to be here.
But I am a little lonely.
You should visit me.



That's the end of my blog post from last summer! But here's an update:

(One day in the shop, we had a BBQ on the loading dock for lunch! It was awesome! We need to do that at school.)

Back to MI, back to love, back to school.

I suppose I should just pick up where I left off, right?

Okay, so here's a time-lapse of The Verona Project Strike/ Candida Load-In:

I liked Candida a lot more than I was expecting to.

What else?
Oh yeah.
Had to move out of our place and into the other intern house for a single day. That was lame. But their house was way nicer than ours, so it was okay.

The flight was lame, because my legs wanted to move but couldn't for six hours... But it was WAY better than the flight to CA. On the way there I was all depressed because I was leaving everything I loved. On the way back I was all excited to reunite with it all!
Also, I got to watch this awesome lightning storm for most of the second flight.

Here is Tesla watching me wait for my luggage from just outside the GR airport:

And two of my favoritest people, the next day:

After that, I kinda laid around for two weeks, just happy to be home.

I wasn't able to keep my 9pm bedtime/6:50am wakeup schedule, unfortunately...
But I did make it to all my classes on time.

Silvano and I had our three-year anniversary the day before school started. We went out to dinner at Spice Rice (same as three years ago), and watched a movie for free at home (because we were broke and didn't feel like driving to Battle Creek, which we did three years ago). It was nice. I love him.
Sorry. Cheesy. But it's true. :)

(This isn't from our anniversary, it's from my senior prom. But it's a good picture, so I don't care.)

So school has started now... I'm taking 18 credits, including:
Theatre History I - (Lots of research and paper-writing)
Directing I  - (Lots of time outside of class for rehearsals)
Stagecraft II - (Lots of big, time-consuming projects)
Scenic Design - (Lots of big, time consuming projects)

Oh, and I'm the Assistant Sound Designer for Rocky Horror!

I'm also taking "Experiencing Dance" as a Gen. Ed, as well as Weight Training, to help me build some guns for use in the shop. These two don't worry me.


The theatre classes, however, may kill me.
I mean won't.
I will win!
RAWR!

Lots of Things.

Again, long time no post.

It's been a busy... month, I guess.
Let's see...

The Verona Project (loosely based on Shakespeare's Two Hipsters of Verona: The Musical) was pretty awesome. I was worried that it might suck... but it was fun.

(Here is a picture of the set, stolen from the TD's flickr:)

For the fourth of July, a bunch of us interns went to the Berkeley Marina (it's like a little peninsula that is a huge park) to watch fireworks... It was really cold (right on the bay, at night). But we had a potluck picnic thing, and it was quite fun. One of my roommates took fancy pictures with her fancy camera... of me in my fancy dress that I made in Stagecraft!

Also, my best friend Mara came to San Francisco for a week just because, and we hung out a few times. :) We ate at this super tasty mexican place between 3rd and 4th at Mission... and just kinda explored. (She did that for a whole week.)

Oh! And the AIDS walk! That was fun. I convinced one of my roommates to come with me, the night before. I'm really glad I did, too... otherwise I would've been super lonely. I raised $250, she raised $100, and San Francisco overall raised $3,011,245!! I got a T-shirt. :)

Woooo!

I was really sore the next couple of days.

We also got some comp tickets to see Tales of the City at A.C.T. (American Conservatory Theater), a musical about San Francisco in the seventies...

(found this online:)

I really wanted to go to a roller disco afterward (not that I can roller skate or disco). But it was a really nice reminder of how much I actually love theater. The set was pretty cool, the story was really good, the music was awesome, and the transitions were absolutely flawless.

I mean... I like working at CalShakes... but there is pretty much nothing sexy about Shakespeare. Musicals, on the other hand...

I turned 20 years old...
It was probably the worst birthday I've ever had- we worked late, getting ready for strike. Since it's in the middle of the summer, I've never had to go to school or work on my birthday before. Also, I was struggling with things all morning.
It got better after work though... I went to P.F. Chang's (Super yummy chinese chain that I'd never heard of before moving here) with a few of the other interns... it was delicious. Also, since it was my birthday, I got free dessert. "The Great Wall of Chocolate" was a giant, seven-layer chocolate cake, with raspberry syrupy stuff on the plate. I was going to be greedy because it was my birthday... but there was no way I could have eaten it all myself, so I shared.

What else?

Oh yeah, last Sunday was Verona strike, then 12 hour days Monday through Wednesday, loading in Candida. That was kind of exhausting.
BUT:


I GET TO SEE THESE PEOPLE IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. I AM SO EXCITED.

:D

"What is happiness to you, David? For me, it's being with you."

For quite a while now, I've been trying to figure out how I used to be so happy.
For the first couple years of high school, I was happy and carefree. I had lots of friends. I went to lots of parties. I smiled all the time.
But I realize now that I wasn't happy. Those years were actually when I was the most depressed. I was 15(ish). I didn't know who the hell I was. But I had a damn good mask. I even convinced myself (several years later) that I was truly happy.
I always wonder "I used to be so happy. What happened?"
But I didn't stop being happy. I stopped pretending I was happy.

Maybe it's because I met someone who really made me truly happy, and so I didn't have to pretend.
But when we started being responsible and going to school/work, we stopped seeing each other 24 hours/day. I stopped being happy all the time.
But I never put the mask back on.
Because I don't have to pretend when I'm with him.

And these days our schedules don't allow for much time together at all. Especially for the past two months, since I've been in California.

I guess I lost the mask.

So... sorry, World, that I'm not Ms. Smile Happypants anymore. I am polite, to everyone that shows me the same courtesy. I smile at strangers that I pass on the street.

But I don't exaggerate my mood. I do have good days, but I don't shout them to the world. I also try not to inflict my bad days on others.



At my "Mid-Season Check-in" a couple of weeks ago, I was given the feedback that I am always "mopey."

This may have something to do with the fact that I am 2,000 miles away from everything that makes me smile, as well as the fact that I have lost two loved ones in my absence.

Isn't it better not to fake it? I don't know.
What do you think?
Am I really that 'mopey?'

It's been a little while since I've updated, I think my parents are starting to worry.

Holy crap have I been busy.



First off...
Titus opened and closed, a decently successful run. I saw it opening night and really did not like it. I thought that the set, costumes, lights, acting, etc were all very well done, but that the story is just terribly unpleasant. However, I was also freezing, headachey, mosquitoed, and tired.
I worked house staff for it the next weekend (a matinee) and enjoyed it much more... but I was on break during the particularly unpleasant scene, which probably also helped.
Anyway, this is what the final set looked like.

(photos stolen from the TD's Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/davenowakowski/ if you want to see more)


So strike for that was Sunday night, after the matinee. It was really weird to me that we got it all done by 11ish, with only six or so people (carpenters, anyway).
Then Load-in for the next show started the next day at 8am... until 8pm. But I survived!
Anyway, here is a cool shot I got of some of the truss (made by the Sarah, the ATD):

Here was what we got done in just the first day:



And now it looks a little more like this:


P.s. We couldn't get a whole lot done day 2, due to rain (apparently that's really rare for CA in June?), but we still had to work in the rain. It cut our days back to 6pm, though.

Bluhh, what else?

I went and explored San Francisco a couple more times...

Golden Gate Park:                                      and the beach:

 

(All these photos by me)

The beach was amazing. I just walked up and down the shoreline alone for two hours, waiting to get pictures of the sunset. It was so peaceful. Just listening to the waves. It was a Sunday night, so it wasn't ridiculously crowded either. Just me and the ocean. It was really what I needed after a long week.

So here's a thing.

My whole life I've always felt like my life was kind of like a video game I guess. I'm in control of the character (me), but I have no control over the storyline. Does that make sense?

It's always felt like my parents decided that I would do this, or society decided that I will do that.

But guess what?

I'm chasing my dreams. That's not something you can do in a videogame. 

I'm getting an art degree (and my parents are supporting that decision!).

I got a dog.

I somewhat spontaneously decided to move across the country for a summer.

I have pretty much decided where I want to be in 3 years. (I'd say 5, but things could change. No idea).

I kinda almost feel like I'm actually in control of my life for once. 

Sure, my parents are my financial backbone, but I still have control of what I do, and I'm even the one who has to deal with the consequences of said decisions! (I know that's not super awesome, but it's easier to learn from your mistakes when you know that they're actually mistakes).

For instance, I have learned that picking up and leaving everything I know is not the best path for me. Perhaps it would have been easier if I was not involved in a committed, long-term relationship with a boy or a dog. 

When I have a moment to sit still, I start to think of them. When I do, I get this terrible feeling from within my chest. It actually does feel like something in there is being ripped out. 

It's really great that I'm furthering my education and path to a good career and all... but I really miss the things I know and love. I'm more than ready to go home. 

I won't be leaving you again. At least not this far...

I'm about halfway home...



(P.S. still working on my SF AIDS walk fund! Go to http://awsf2011.kintera.org/pineappled to contribute, and please share!)

Three Weeks.

The other day I googlemapped it, and found that I am apparently MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND MILES from everything that I love.

Silvano finally got Skype on his laptop. It's awesome to see him, but it almost just makes me miss him more. I've also gotten to say hi to Phoenix and April through Skype, which is adorable, because they don't really get it.

I've been suffering from serious puppy withdrawals, though. Every time a dog passes me on the street, my body freezes and I make really weird noises. Sometimes it catches the dog's attention, but usually the person they are attached to speeds up. Thankfully, though, there are a lot of off-leashers in Berkeley. The other day I met a sweet old boxer man. His butt wiggled, and his nose was speckled with white hairs. He was very cute, and my heart melted a little, but it broke as soon as I walked away. I really miss my puppies.

Work is... work.
I work 8am-5pm, Monday through Friday. It's a pretty long day, compared to the 2-4 hours I usually work in the shop at school between classes. The intensity of the work varies greatly... from taping carpets and foam together, to heavy lifting, loud saws, or 6 hours of grinding.
SO MUCH GRINDING. The next show is made completely of steel-framed flats, which means that Sarah did a lot of welding, and I did a lot of grinding. Some things I've learned:

DO NOT GRIND:

• in a low-cut shirt.
• without a dust mask (unless you don't mind having black snot for a day or two).
• without gloves (unless you don't mind grinding your fingertips every once in a while).
• near a trash bin full of scrap muslin.
• wood.

(I did not learn all of these through personal experience... just most of them).

I did also get to weld...
This was the third time I have been taught to weld, because no one believes me when I say "I know how to weld." (But it has been more than two years since I actually welded anything substantial).
I did practice first, and made this from the scrap bin:

It wasn't actually very good practice, since I had to get creative with my technique, but it was fun.

I also finally got to weld the scenery jacks that will be holding up the back wall...
At first it seemed that the more I welded, the worse I got at it... but I eventually fiddled with my position, and the seams started to look pretty good by the last one.
I also had to grind those down, but I was okay with that, because it meant I was the only one seeing how ugly my welds were.
Then I had to paint them... We painted all the flats with unicorn blood to stop them from rusting.

 

(Left: Hagrid touching Unicorn Blood (More than a little reminiscent of The Matrix, no?) Right: Me holding a paper towel covered in Unicorn Blood, excess from flat painting).

I now have unicorn blood spatter all over my right forearm.

Anyway.

Titus Andronicus opened last night. It was terrible. Shakespeare is fucked up. Who would ever want to watch such horrendous things happen on stage? Yuck.
The show was really well done. Actors, costumes, set, lights, etc. But it was an awful story.

Also, it gets really cold at the theater at night. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt, hoodie, jacket, and blanket, and my teeth were chattering.


So our last roommate is moving in today... there will be seven of us. That will be interesting.

I'm really excited for my bike to get here, so I can start doing things, distracting myself from how much I miss my boy.

P.S.
Check out what's within a mile of my house:

Also, I still have a quite a ways to go before I reach my AIDS walk goal of $300!
Visit http://awsf2011.kintera.org/pineappled to support me!